depression

Teething baby uses binky again – teething raspberry binky

This week, I am looking forward with optimism.

I spent this weekend just under a cloud, and now the sun is finally peeking. Well, it’s that or the hershey bar I am nawing on. NOM NOM NOM.

Yeah, I’m an emotional eater.

My mom called me this weekend and asked me what was wrong, so apparently it’s been showing. But I am going to move on from all the drama and hurt feelings and just let it go.

L had a hard time this weekend too, he’s growing more teeth! I was supposed to go to the company picnic an hour away on Saturday, but that little face crying “mama” won. He just wanted to snuggle all weekend as well. So, atleast I had someone to share in my misery! I hate seeing him sad and whiney though :(

With the teething, came something very cute though. L wen through his toy bins, and pulled out this:

and was actually using it. Keep in mind that he gave up his binkies by himself shortly after this video was filmed (see him using it as a rattle?)

Logans First Play Date! from Megan Burleson on Vimeo.

So for a while, I had a little peek of my baby back. He’s such a toddler now :( Who told him he could grow??

I attended the Hypnobabies Instructor Webinar on Friday – I really want to go to the trainings in March, but I am not sure if I will be able to raise the money needed by then. I believe in that program soooo much, and still use the techniques at night to sleep. Maybe in 2012.

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Depression rears it’s ugly head again

So, how many mama’s here are on anti-depressants?

I have already talked about my battle with depression, and when I had L it went into the post-partum category – which I lived with for 7 months. In December I finally got help, and my doctor put me on a low dose of Celexa. This is my 6 month check up post.

Depression is a sneaky animal. It doesn’t hit you fast like some illnesses do, atleast for me, it’s a slow progression of feeling fantastic to feeling downright awful. Lately, I have been feeling overwhelmed and this has been interfering with my ability to get anything done. Sure, I think and think and think about doing things all day long. I should clean the house. I should write that business plan. Perhaps I will do a little crafting later. I should really plant some flowers this weekend. I should start exercising more. A lot of thinking gets done! But I wake up, I have my coffee, and before I know it…its night-time and I am giving L his bath and rocking him to sleep. No shower, nothing accomplished, I’ve barely eaten, and I have no energy to do anything but lay in bed and watch t.v.

I wrote in my other blog I started and then abandoned in the beginning of the year about a power word for the year. Something that keeps you motivated all year, to change something you don’t like about yourself. I chose “Awake”. So far, I don’t feel like I have lived up to that at all.

I am also realizing that I promise a lot, sign up for things, and then get so overwhelmed at the thought of doing them, that I renig on a lot of promises. I hate that about myself, and I feel totally bad when I do it. I feel great when I do actually follow through on something – so what is the deal? Depression. It takes over.

I have adjusted my dose in the last couple of weeks and feel a little better, but man – I wish I had some heads up when the depression is going to hit. I have asked my husband to help me with it, but he’s been with me so long he doesn’t really know non-depressed Megan from depressed Megan. So I know I have to change a lot about myself, and that a little pill isn’t going to do all the work for me. And the thing is, there isn’t an underlying problem here so it’s nothing that talking to a therapist can solve. I have absolutely nothing I am actually upset about – except for my actions.

Anyway, so this is where I am at in my head this week. Just thought I would share. Perhaps it’s a breakthrough?

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Getting help about Postpartum Depression, Celexa

So I finally did it. I went to see someone about my depression.

Of course, I didn’t know I had it until my mom and sister pointed it out to me a few weeks ago. I just haven’t been me, and it’s gotten worse since the baby was born, and probably why this blog is void of personal topics or regular posts.

I sleep without really recooperating, and I can sleep for days if anyone would let me..and you know that whole eating thing gets in the way. I don’t have much energy for anything, and it physically hurts to do normal things, like say, putting the laundry in the dryer…(oops! which I need to do come to think about it…) Did you know that it’s not normal to think about death all the time? Or to spend 90% of your day worrying? Or how about feeling like you need to do everything, yet not having the energy to do much?

My whole life, I have had my bad weeks and my good weeks. I just thought this was how people lived. But for the last two months, those good weeks weren’t coming. I had a day last month where I felt good. One day.

On Sunday I broke down in front my husband and told him I thought I was going insane. I am pretty good at holding all of this in. But for the past couple of months, my husband has been really nice and has taken the morning shifts for me with the baby. He kinda had an inkling I was feeling bad when slept till 4 one day. 4pm. Yeah, and I didn’t feel refreshed at all.

He is no stranger to depression, and is actually on an antidepressant himself. I have seen him off of his meds and it’s a sad sad dude. He never really explained how it felt, but as soon as I told him how I was feeling he confirmed it. I had all the symptoms he had been diagnosed with depression. I asked him to come in and help me talk to the doctor about it. He was more than happy too. Sometimes I forget to ask for help. I think a lot of us do.

I called on Monday and insisted they get me in. I had called before, but the doctor gave me some weird answer about breastfeeding and antidepressants being incompatible. She did her research and tried to call me back but I hadn’t updated my phone number with them for 4 years (I don’t go to the doctor much!) They got me in Tuesday.

When speaking to the doctor, I began crying. It was so weird, because I don’t cry in front of people I don’t know. But she asked me all the questions, I said my yes and no’s and I had 8 BIG symptoms of depression. She prescribed me Celexa told me I would have to quit breastfeeding.

Which I DIDN’T – Family practice doctors really don’t know. My OB Nurse mom was nice enough to do some research for me, asking my OB (whom she works with) and my lactation consultant if it was okay to breastfeed on this medication – and it IS. Thank goodness! I think that would have made me more depressed if I would have had to let go of breastfeeding right now. He’s only 6 3/4 months old. Im not ready!

I started taking it on Tuesday, though, and I have to say I am feeling better. Tonight is the first night it didn’t make me sleepy, and today I woke up feeling okay – not tired like I usually feel. I still have the little goblins in my head making me worry and telling me I am useless – but I know that’s not really me. It never was.

So, I just wanted to let you all know that if you are feeling hopeless – it might be chemical. It might be depression. I am so glad I finally spoke up, and I hope to start enjoying life again soon. I did it for me, but I also did it for my son and my marriage. I don’t want him to see mommy sad. I don’t want to not have the energy to go have dinner with my husband. It really does effect everyone around you.

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