Hey! It’s a random post! On a Saturday, no less. Yeah. I live on the EDGE!
So I finally had a week where I didn’t get that angry feeling in my stomach. You know the one. The one that hurts so bad that you can’t shake it off – but you can’t do anything to make it go away. That was me for the last, oh I don’t know, Months! It started when I blogged this, and from then just random people started being crazy in my life. This last month and a half I have felt unloved, unappreciated, and just all around dejected.
When I was little, I lived on the street with these two girls who were only friendly to me in the summer. You see, we were the only ones on our block with a pool, and of course, they wanted to swim in it. One day, I went inside to get them some oreo cookies and my mom pulled me aside and told me “They are just using you for the swimming pool, you should probably tell them to go home”. Of course, being young and nieve, I shrugged it off and brought them cookies. We ate, and we went on swimming.
Of course, when the time came, these girls swore me off when school started. Calling me a dork. Trying to beat me up when we got off the bus (I ran away) and pretty much reminding me everyday how I was used for the swimming pool.
As time went on, and I got older, I was, and still am in some cases, used constantly for my kindness. I never said a word about it, never spoke up when things just weren’t right, and I let it break me down. My self-esteem took a shot, I felt like maybe I was wrong about things all the time, and since they were “in control” they were right for taking advantage of me, making me feel bad about every decision, never being my cheerleader when I needed it but instead, make me feel as though my accomplishments meant nothing.
I’m not sure when the time came that I decided that giving a little piece of me to everyone and not getting anything in return was enough – but now — things are a changing. I speak up now. This often surprises people. Coming from the nice, quiet girl with the funny jokes and the smart glasses. They think they can take advantage of me, bully me, and expect me to lay down. Had they have gotten to know me, looked outside of their bubble – they would have known this, and respected me back. But, unfortunately, I attract the users, manipulators, the bullies and I hate to say this: the bitches.
I am a confronter now. If something bugs me, I will let you know about it – in a friendly way. If I am right, the ones who are worth knowing have a friendly conversation back with me as we discuss our misunderstandings, miss-communications, and everything is settled with a stronger friendship in tact. The ones who get on the defensive and start slinging around insults – they are usually not the ones to keep around. If drama ensues, there is no need to prolong it.
I hold people to the same standards that I hold myself and have a policy of respect. When I meet people that do not, that is when we clash.
Sure, it has made my circle of friends smaller – but having friends who respect you as much as you do them really does make life grand! It’s not how many friends you have – it’s the quality.
So the atmosphere in my life is changing as I realize who is meant for keeping around, and who is just a “drama llama” and my good friend Dave says.
It has just been a month of people showing me their true colors, and wow, has it been hard!
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
O boy, how I understand! The worse part is that I really like helping people, even if they take advantage of me. I have been used so many times, I can’t even count. In fact, I have gotten to a point that if I am being used it is fine. That has become the definition of friendship for me. Sad, huh!? Most of my family has been in this same boat of wanting to own things so people will want to spend time with them. They don’t understand that people who actually enjoying you as a person are much more fun. I am brand new in this discovery, I found out that sometimes I am actually fun and cool to hang out with. I don’t have to do things for others just to get them to like me. Hang in there! It does get easier. I read something from one of my favorite bloggers and it is so true – “The older I get, the less I care what others think about me!”
I know I am not always the best at reaching out to people, but I am always here if you need to vent!
I have been through this too, in sort of a different way, but I think I came out a stronger person in the end.
P.S. I’m wondering now who those two girls were that just used you for your pool, because they would have been my classmates too… >:-D
Great post Meg. You go girl!!
You go girl!